Grammy

I have been avoiding this blog for the last few months because thinking about writing in it brings up a sharp pain at the thought of the one person who will not be reading it. When Martha died, I had the very dark thought that the world would not be as good of a place without her in it. I try now to be thankful that I knew her, because my life is certainly brighter for it.

I had a dream about her last night. She was visiting at our house, but we all knew that she was dead. She said so herself in the dream. But she was there to see us and spend time with us. I had to show her how Rolan says "Gammy" and "Uncle Bannan" now, and she made that face.. the one where she could cry but doesn't. I kept asking her questions in the dream about how she could be there when she was dead. I was so confused. How was she there talking to us? Was she just going to disappear? And then I woke up, crying. I suppose thats like disappearing.

I miss her so much, and in so many very selfish ways. I feel the loss for Rolan. I hate to think that any more kids we have will never know her. If Clayton and I get married someday... how are we going to do that without her there? I so often feel the urge to call her, and its like tearing at a scab thats not ready to come off.

I loved hearing people talk about her at the service. I felt like I got to know sides of her that I never met. I only knew her as Martha, and Grammy. She had cancer for the majority of the time that I knew her. And I was also worried for most of that time if she liked me or not. I was so devastated when she moved to Maryland. She had helped me so much through Rolan's first few months of life that I was afraid of losing the security of having her nearby. I feel that same trepidation now. I have wonderful and helpful people in my life, but she had a maternal wisdom that I assumed would always be there as a resource. In my grieving attempt to sing her praises I am just rambling instead, so to summarize let me just say...

I miss her.